The Vertical Limit

They asks me
You you want to scale heights?
I will smile clandestinely
and tell "I love to"
But the truth is not so simple.

I seek vertical limits
since no lateral ways exist
I am not strong enough to
create one to go
Easiest way is up and up.

When the chains tie up
the limbs, I can only

Go up up and up

not looking sideways, its constrained.

A flawed Education

Years after I had finished my school education, I am reading many history and social science books. Now while reading I am coming across the glaring flaws in the schooling I had. I can explain you by taking one example.

We used to have a question in Malayalam language paper to explain the context of a piece of poem given. Most common lines were as follows

"മാറ്റുവിൻ ചട്ടങ്ങളെ സ്വയമല്ലെങ്കിൽ

മാറ്റുമതുകളീ നിങ്ങളെ താൻ"

which translates to "Change the rules yourself otherwise

they will remove you itself"

This was the lines of the revolutionary poet Kumaranasan, who fought against the social injustices like caste system and untouchability prevalent at that time. Now I can understand the meaning of the lines and relate it to the world outside. I can see the instances where the old unchanging rules led to the destruction of the community itself. I can see why the rules are to be changed. I see the evils that blind following of rules have done to our society.

But as a child, I was not able to comprehend the context or couldn't understand what the poet meant. The only rules I know that time was such as "Don't talk in the class", "Complete your homework" etc. Nor I could get answer to the question why we should change the rules. For me changing rules meant only catastrophe in form of beatings!! Obviously I didn't had an idea how the rules can remove a person.

Had the teacher explained us the social revolution, that took place in our land, I could have made sense of this whole ritual of writing the answer for the exam. How powerfully the language classes could have been used to teach about the society. The teachers had many ways to escape - either to explain properly, or to frighten those who question, or to skip the portion or even to politely admit the helplessness. We as students read many guides, which wrote so much neither we nor they understood. We had only two ways either to by heart it and reproduce in the exam paper or to fill the answer space with the same lines in the questions in different ways - simplified, complicated, in passive and active voices. The end of the story.

The result is a generation unsympathetic with the social problems outside, also uninterested in the literature and arts.

Now I am sympathising with myself!! Nostalgia!!

Lost in infinity

Have you ever lost yourself?

Losing oneself? What? how? We can lose our belongings, feelings, relations etc. But how to lose oneself? What does it mean? If you lose yourself then who will be you?

It seems crazy, right? But yes, I have experience; and there are two variants - one consciously and another unconsciously. First I will talk about the conscious self liberation.

Close the eyes and think. Who am I? I am a human in the earth. What is earth? It is a planet in the solar system. What is solar system? It is part of the universe. What is there in the universe? How big it is? Where are its boundaries? Try to find answers... Now the understanding is whatever in this space constitutes the universe. It is expanding. If it expands it should occupy some space. Given that all space itself is universe,from where the new space comes? Is it generating? If yes from where? What was in that space before the universe occupied it? Nothing? How it can be nothing? Is there anything as nothing? What if everything is nothing? No space, no universe, no earth, no life, no human, no I.... The basic existence is questioned. Whether I exists or not? Confusion... I am not able to make out. I as a living being is lost there. If I am not there, who is this?  I do not have the answer. A blanket of ignorance coupled with fear squeezes the thinking. Nothing is in the brain. I lost my thinking also. Now nothing is there as me. I am completely lost. Completely lost means I have absolutely no idea about me - who am I,  where am I, am I alive, which time span is this .... I know nothing. A few seconds...

Then my brain starts working. Sometimes it judges wrong and creates unnecessary tensions. It may tell me that I am dead by now. Oh my God! is my life over? I had a lot to do more. I had many dreams. I had many commitments. I failed to finish my job! Oh no no .... Mean while I regain my consciousness. What a relief!  I am in my place, I have a name, I know who am I, nothing changed.

The second type of hide and seek game occurs unknowingly. When I am woken up from deep sleep. I do not know which phase of sleeping it occurs . Usually we sleep like that when we are very tired particularly after cumbersome journeys and  in day sleeps. A phone call or sound can awake us. Sometimes when I wake up like that, I would have lost myself. I will be blank. I do not know who am I, where am I, what am I doing. The difference is, here I am aware that me as a person exists but the poor soul forgets the world linkages. I have to struggle a bit to regain myself. When I tries to recollect, my brain gives me some options. I have to think and reject or accept. Sometimes I get deceived. It had happened a couple of times.

Once when I woke up, my eyes noticed the lengthy curtains in the room. Suddenly my brain linked it to the room where I stayed in Bangalore while working at Wipro Technologies. Immediately tensions started... what is the time? What day i? Is it Monday? Morning? Am I late? My God! I will miss the bus today also. By the I did not finish my work... I did not find the solution for the problem in coding! Oh No No... The tension puts my brain to the next level. Some thing is fishy... I am not in Bangalore. My eyes observed the surroundings. Its my brother-in-law's home.We reached here today morning for the Deepavali celebration. Oh my silly brain, nothing happened... you simply put me in tension.

This time I was awaken by the phone call. I saw the caller ID picture. I could understand the person. But forgot the relation. Why he is calling me now?What happened? Why so early in the morning? Shall I tell not to disturb? Oh wait... he is your boyfriend now, not just an acquaintance.The next level tensions... Oh my God what about our marriage? What happened in family talks? Has he any thing exciting to tell or any bad news? My heart started thumping.... Hey wait... Something else happened after that. Oh my silly brain, he is my husband, we got married a couple of months back. The tension changed to a smile...

May be the subconscious levels in the brain is playing the game. I do not know the process. But one thing I can tell - forgetting about myself completely is an experience - it cannot be told, but has to be felt.

An Yell in the Night

Time would have been between three and four in the early morning. The city was in deep sleep, so were we. Suddenly an yell form down woke up all of us.

The yell was like somebody loosing his life. Oh my god! Has any body got murdered? Has anybody got electric shock? The scream was of short duration. It was like somebody crying on run. It raised to its high pitch and diffused into the night's silence. But it still ringed in the ears. 

The reverberations generated some uneasy thoughts in me. The temporality  of a human life came haunting. I sensed the plea of a helpless man wailing at the face of the death. Where is all the wealth and fame hard earned or ill earned in the life? Nothing can rescue you from that moment. 

What security do we have in the life? We may build concrete masons, lock it with two three doors, still there is insecurity. Immediately my thoughts went for the less privileged humans living in shanty houses or in the street. What security do they have? If any riot is occurring in the city they are ones who gets butchered. I wondered how they sleep peacefully every night. That may the reason they are very tough and cynic to what the politicians and government tells and do.

The yell can be of a caught thief, got beaten from behind. Poor man. My sympathy went to the thief. If a person is defying his biological cycle and awake in the night to steal, there should be enough reasons behind it. He who was taught this job by parents or masters; or who in dire need of money; or who is disenchanted with the inequality in the society;  or simply person in conflict with himself. None of the above can be solely attributed to him. The society at large is responsible for creating the thieves. Why should a person looting public blatantly sleep in security in this huge bungalow while the victims of the looting sleep bare on the roadsides? Who will punish the wrong doers? Who will bring justice? Let all the looters be robbed by thieves. But only the poor thieves will get beaten in the dark.

The whole neighborhood woke up. Lights are on. Some people are talking loud down. They are narrating the story. It was a robbery attempt. Nobody is harmed. It was the yell of our watchman, who noted the  thief in the shade. The half of my life came back. But the insecurity provoked by that yell did not allow me to sleep. The fear for the life of myself and the loved ones gripped me. And its repercussions took three-four days to quell.

The Missing Women in Public Space

I was at my mother in law's house, in a small village of Telangana. It was past 6 pm. A group of girls come singing bhajans. It was surprising for me because it was first time in my life I have seen a group of small girls going out their home un-escorted after 6 O'clock in the evening. In ,Kerala, my home state, one cannot even imagine this situation. So secluded are their girls in so famed developed state with world standard educational and health indicators. It may be a wonder to the outsiders that the public place is closed even today for a girl or a women here.

The state has succeeded in overthrowing the Brahmin domination, un-touchability etc , but failed liberate and empower its women.

Even though the society is matrilineal, patriarchal norms are dominant. The women is almost excluded from the rituals. In other states the situation is better and for every function or ritual the women are included. They have a role even in the funeral rituals. But here the women are only to cry and stay indoors during the final ceremony. Even the most beloved ones are not allowed to see the cremation ceremony. 

These exclusions were very embarrassing for me as a child when my male cousins were given all the privileges and freedom. And they used to show ego to us on the basis of these undue importance given to them. Similarly in the temple festivals, the ladies are only allowed to perform pongala (the rice dish). But I can see ladies participating in the festivals carrying head gears and pots and divulging themselves in ecstasy and dances in other states.

The professions that a girl has to choose is also dictated by the society. They are seen suited to teaching and care giving professions.  This can be reason for the overwhelming number of the Malayali nurses and teachers working in other parts of India and outside India.

Even when women are venturing into male dominated fields such as politics, there are always considered as subordinate. Kerala have not yet had a woman chief minister or in other crucial ministries of home and finance.

The missing women from the public spaces can be seen as another form of discrimination that is manifested in worst form of missing girl children.

The Wish Tree

This Christmas I was in a super market and came across a wish tree. The unprivileged children in one orphanage have written their small wishes in the pieces of paper hung on that tree. If you are a middle or upper class citizen, you may wonder how small their wishes are. They long for dictionaries, crayons, shuttle bats,  wrist watches, a set of new dresses ... The wishes are so modest to make you humble. These articles cost not even a percent of what you purchase and waste every day. But the same exists only in the dreams of some children and they hope X'mas Pappa to give them as the Christmas gifts. 

I stood there and read all the wishes. Many wishes for a dictionary.I have some old dictionaries in my cupboard. These dictionaries I seldom used because they came late to my life. I had none when I was in dire need. That was some twenty years back.

I was in sixth standard. My class teacher who was also the English teacher asked me to refer a dictionary. I forget the context she asked , but the I still remembers the conversation . 
"I do not have a dictionary, teacher "
She was astonished. There I stood in front of her as a consecutive winner of the proficiency prize for years in English medium. 
"You do not have a dictionary at home ?Wonder!". 
"I wish you shall get a dictionary as prize this year". She said after a pause.
Her sincere wish came true and I got a dictionary as prize that time. My joy was out of bounds. I have envied on my classmates whenever they use a dictionary. So I can imagine the eagerness of these children waiting for their Xmas gifts.

The same was the case with the atlas. I hoped I had one. Once I just went through the classmate's atlas, but she was over protective and did not allow much time. It was costly. So I did not had courage to ask my father to buy me one. The Social Studies teacher of the other division has prescribed an atlas as compulsory in her classes. I wished I had her as my social studies teacher, so that I can also own one. But it never happened.  But now my two and half  year old daughter plays with the dictionary and atlas as her toys!

"Do you wish to gift their wishes, mam?" the voice of the sales woman woke up me from the thoughts. "Ya , I wish". "Okay, you can purchase from here and give us" . "Can I bring from home?" The dictionaries that I got as prizes after my tenth standard were in my mind.

A Belated Sorry

It was one fine morning in college. I was strolling towards my class avoiding the gazes around, for the fear of ragging. Suddendly I heard somebody calling my name from behind. A moment both of astonishment and fear grappled me. I didn’t look back. Again I heard my name and voice was coiming nearer. I turned back.

 “Do you remember be?” asked that voice. 

The girl having soda bottle glasses. Yes I remember- Haritha. 

 I was in 9th standard. That day I was in town government school representing my school for a literature quiz. But when the program started, I came to know that it was meant to be a team event ;and we two lone persons made an intra school team and won the quiz. Next stage was the state level competition. The forth coming event was to be held in another district. I was disappointed and was sure my father won't take me that far to participate in a literature quiz that can't do any obivious help to my studies. The economic situation also wont allow him to spare his leave and to bear the expenscan't the journey. But I wanted to go. we were asked to confirm the participation. I could not leave the opportunity. I gave an yes. As expected, situation at home was not in favour of me going to the competition. I cried, pleaded - no way. I didn't call and inform the co ordinators my inconvience. I waited for any miracle to happen. The date was hardly a week away. One misfortune happened in my family. My uncle passed away. The untimely death plunged the whole family into deep sorrow. Days ended up in mournings. Cremation ceremonies were going on and I had a visitor. All the senior men folk of the family were present when I went to the courtyard. There stood an old fragile man in a faded white dothi and similar shirt. It was Haritha's father.

"The competition is only two days away.Are you not participating? My daughter is in 10th class. It is her last chance. If you cant come, she can't participate." He was pleading. I also wanted to go. I looked at my father in hope. He was explaining the situation, "The deceased man's daughter has also some event now how can I send my daughter?" Again despair. 

That old man was not looking more wealthy than us. He was weak. But his desire to make his daughter participate was at highs which have driven him to reach that far in search of my home. He pleaded again. No positive reply from father and relatives. He returned in despair. Sadness rushed to me. I too went back to room hiding my tears.

 Now she is here infront of me as my senior. And these words slipped from my tounge “I am sorry ”

An encounter with the thief

It was a mid summer day in Hyderabad. I took off from the office for the day having headache and slight fever.

I was in semi conscious state when somebody had opened the door. There was a girl of upper teenage at the door, with a laptop bag in her shoulders as if she was coming from college. Little perplexed, she asked whether it was Soumya's room. Yes my room mate name was Soumya.

She started telling something in Telugu. 'Telugu raathu' - I used the most important words which should be learned first when we are in different place. Then  she talked in a conglomeration of Telugu and English. She is from some local college, I judged in mind. I was noticing her tartar-ed uneven dentition.

She told that Soumya is her brother's friend, they are planning to go for a movie that day, and has asked her to come to the hostel. Being new to the room I was unaware of the whereabouts of my room mates. But I wondered how my civilized roommate got such a friend. Why  should I bother about these things? Anyway I asked her to wait and was slipping to deep sleep.

But she kept me awake by her talking. Seemingly impatient she asked whether I have Soumya's mobile number. I don't have. 

She was talking so much bla -bla. Her brother and Soumya are close friends, emphasizing the word close .I told my room mate is married. She was taken in surprise and stopped her bla-bla.

She tried to make a call from her mobile, then asked for my mobile telling that she wanted to make a call to her brother and her mobile balance is over. I dialed the number she told, but was not reachable. 

"By the way today is my birthday", saying this she checked her bag for chocolate."Sorry it is over"."Its okay no problem", I told . She was fed up of waiting and told she is leaving and will meet her later.

My conscious mind got an alarm as soon as she left. Who is she? Why she came to the room?

I got up from the bed and went to the veranda. I threw my eyes downstairs and on the road. There was nobody. I went and slept again. 

Evening I was woken up by some noises outside. Laptop and some jewelry is missing from the next door. Yes, she was a thief. The girls who got robbed of their belongings were shouting upon the Hostel owner.

Shall I tell them that I have seen the thief or shall I be silent?. Will involving in the matter drag me to more troubles? Gathering courage I went down and explained my encounter with the thief. Hostel owner was relieved from dilemma. Complaint was logged in the police station.My room mates thanked me for guarding their belongings in the room. Soumya was wondering how she got her name.

I was surprised my the promptness of the police action. They called me and the victim to go along with the police in disguise to a near by restaurant where they were planning to trap the thief. Police showed me some photos. I identified her. She was a recent jail broke out ,the police said . We waited their for some time. Always thieves will be cleverer than the police. She didn't turn up. I gave the number she dialed from my mobile to  them.

Later police trapped her and my hostel mates got their belongings back.

#Danger 1 : I shouldn't have entertained her in the room, for she could have harmed me.

#Danger 2: She could have fed me the poisonous chocolate.

#Danger 3: There is possibility of she being part of a dangerous gang.

#Danger 4: They could have got my mobile number, had that phone was reachable.

#Lesson : Get acquainted with your roommates without delay.