Losing oneself? What? how? We can lose our belongings, feelings, relations etc. But how to lose oneself? What does it mean? If you lose yourself then who will be you?
It seems crazy, right? But yes, I have experience; and there are two variants - one consciously and another unconsciously. First I will talk about the conscious self liberation.
Close the eyes and think. Who am I? I am a human in the earth. What is earth? It is a planet in the solar system. What is solar system? It is part of the universe. What is there in the universe? How big it is? Where are its boundaries? Try to find answers... Now the understanding is whatever in this space constitutes the universe. It is expanding. If it expands it should occupy some space. Given that all space itself is universe,from where the new space comes? Is it generating? If yes from where? What was in that space before the universe occupied it? Nothing? How it can be nothing? Is there anything as nothing? What if everything is nothing? No space, no universe, no earth, no life, no human, no I.... The basic existence is questioned. Whether I exists or not? Confusion... I am not able to make out. I as a living being is lost there. If I am not there, who is this? I do not have the answer. A blanket of ignorance coupled with fear squeezes the thinking. Nothing is in the brain. I lost my thinking also. Now nothing is there as me. I am completely lost. Completely lost means I have absolutely no idea about me - who am I, where am I, am I alive, which time span is this .... I know nothing. A few seconds...
Then my brain starts working. Sometimes it judges wrong and creates unnecessary tensions. It may tell me that I am dead by now. Oh my God! is my life over? I had a lot to do more. I had many dreams. I had many commitments. I failed to finish my job! Oh no no .... Mean while I regain my consciousness. What a relief! I am in my place, I have a name, I know who am I, nothing changed.
The second type of hide and seek game occurs unknowingly. When I am woken up from deep sleep. I do not know which phase of sleeping it occurs . Usually we sleep like that when we are very tired particularly after cumbersome journeys and in day sleeps. A phone call or sound can awake us. Sometimes when I wake up like that, I would have lost myself. I will be blank. I do not know who am I, where am I, what am I doing. The difference is, here I am aware that me as a person exists but the poor soul forgets the world linkages. I have to struggle a bit to regain myself. When I tries to recollect, my brain gives me some options. I have to think and reject or accept. Sometimes I get deceived. It had happened a couple of times.
Once when I woke up, my eyes noticed the lengthy curtains in the room. Suddenly my brain linked it to the room where I stayed in Bangalore while working at Wipro Technologies. Immediately tensions started... what is the time? What day i? Is it Monday? Morning? Am I late? My God! I will miss the bus today also. By the I did not finish my work... I did not find the solution for the problem in coding! Oh No No... The tension puts my brain to the next level. Some thing is fishy... I am not in Bangalore. My eyes observed the surroundings. Its my brother-in-law's home.We reached here today morning for the Deepavali celebration. Oh my silly brain, nothing happened... you simply put me in tension.
This time I was awaken by the phone call. I saw the caller ID picture. I could understand the person. But forgot the relation. Why he is calling me now?What happened? Why so early in the morning? Shall I tell not to disturb? Oh wait... he is your boyfriend now, not just an acquaintance.The next level tensions... Oh my God what about our marriage? What happened in family talks? Has he any thing exciting to tell or any bad news? My heart started thumping.... Hey wait... Something else happened after that. Oh my silly brain, he is my husband, we got married a couple of months back. The tension changed to a smile...
May be the subconscious levels in the brain is playing the game. I do not know the process. But one thing I can tell - forgetting about myself completely is an experience - it cannot be told, but has to be felt.
