Fear

I didn't had fear

And I wanted to have

I travelled far and high

In search of fear

But couldn't find one.

I wandered alone in

the sprawling city streets

I walked in dark on

the unlit city streets

But couldn't find one.

I hiked to hills

looked up and down

But I could see only

sky up, land down

There was no fear.

I rappelled, climbed

trusting only the rope

holding me in air

I bungee jumped

But didn't see fear.

I dared to fight,

dared to question

suffered the penalty

Hoped, fear will help

But it was not to.

I loved without fear

I hated, but not afraid

But I was alone in

my journey all the way

Not even fear for company.

.........................

Finally I got fear!

when I got loved ones

Fear of loosing them

Fear of not being for them

Gripped me tightly!

Now when I try to let

me off the harness

Heart thumps and

hands won't leave

And I was afraid!

I am happy now

Being able to find

The FEAR, because

I know, living without

one is Dangerous!

The Basics of Happy Life

We all want to be happy. We all want money, love, freedom, leisure. But How many will end up with all they want? The relations are often manipulated and skewed, which give tensions how to manage, how to behave, what to talk and so on. How can we be free from all the norms, customs, expectations and at the same time have a good family and friend circle? When I tried to figure this out , I found the following rules as the fundamentals.

1. Never assume anything. Understand and talk what you really know.

For example main reason of fight between the relatives are the behaviour based on assumptions. She has spoke ill of me to my uncle, that is why he is scolding me. But have you really heard her talking so? If no never act based on that assumption. Try to find why your uncle scolded you. Deal the issue with uncle himself.

2. Be aware of attribution error. Attribution error indicates absence of intellectual integrity.

For example when you lie you will justify it as because of circumstances. But when others lie to you you cannot accept the excuses. You want to smoke, but you know it is harmful. You may scold others for smoking. But when you smoke, you will try to justify it.

Next time when you are about to judge somebody else, think for a second how will you judge yourself for the same thing. Majority of our problems on our relations comes with the attribution error.

Do not forget that the same law operates for everybody.

3.  Ask the question "Why not" rather than "Why". This approach will make you think logical/rational.

There is inherent apprehension to accept other's opinion and respect another culture. We believe ours is the best and all others are on wrong side. There comes stereotyping and biases. Now try to analyse things logically. If you believe on any superstitions - for example you believe that having a dip in holy river will bring you fortune. Think like this has all fortunate people had a dip in this river? Have all people who had dip got fortune? This kind of logical approach will expand your thinking and gives you clarity. 

4. Never Compare yourself with others. You are unique.

You may be worried about the smiling pictures of others in the social media. They are all happy. They are lucky. They have many that I do not have. It is okay they are having something. They are not taking your's right? But can anybody replace what is you? Each person is a sum total of customised experiences. If you start comparing with others, you will forget to live for yourself. It is your life, take care of it at your best.

5. Think what I can do rather than what others should do.

You have control only over yourself. Any problem you face, think from your side what I can do and should do. Never make it conditional that if they do. It will never work in disputes. if you want things as per you wish, never depend on others action. Because those things are not in our control

6. Do not worry about things which are not in your control.

General tendency is that, people will blame that fate for any misfortune. But what is this fate? Who is making it? Those who believe in God or any Super natural powers, may attribute the unknown factors to them. 

For example - you want to crack one exam. You can take care of your studies, it is in your hands. But if you are unlucky that you always get questions from the areas you did not prepare. What will be your reaction? Blame the fate ? why is this happening to me ? curse yourself ? But what is the use? Do you have any control over the setting of exam questions? Then do not blame yourself. Accept that exam is unpredictable. You will get peace of mind.

These are the simple rules that many of us will ignore or forget. Try to follow and see the difference in your life.

The Stages of Development

I am trying to analyse the different stages of knowledge and wisdom that a human passes through. The fact is that human are born ignorant and learns by intuitions, from family, friends, school, media and if interested from other sources to know about this world. And unfortunately, the  learning of the majority ends here. They join the chorus of the established facts and rules. This stage I consider as the first stage of knowledge where the learning is started, but prefer to call it as ignorant stage. Next comes the educated stage, then knowledgeable stage, wisdom stage and finally enlightenment stage.

1. Ignorant phase

People know many things. But there may not be any co ordination in the thoughts or knowledge. They are a part of the game - the blame game. Interestingly even God also not spared. This happens in all levels - to oneself, to the social circle, to the nation.

I shall explain. Take an example where you failed to clear one exam, but your friend cleared. The immediate response will be to blame the circumstances - I fell sick, he had better coaching, something is wrong with the evaluation and so on. But accepting failure is not an option.

In the society level it goes like this. We expect somebody else to do the collective works. When it comes to duty, we are not part of the system. When it comes to entitlements, we are in front to claim. And in our opinion nothing works properly - corruption everywhere, politicians and officers are not efficient, morals are endangered and so on

2. Educated Phase

You put efforts to know the system. Now you are aware of political systems, institutions, bureaucracy , constitution, rights, duties, society. You know how things work and can relate it them to your experiences and surrounding. Now it become hard to blame the government for everything. There are so many programmes, policies for the public good and inclusion. There are enough checks and balances to prevent abuse of power by a single institution or person. You realise that we are a part of the whole system and can forgive and accept things even if you do not like them.

If I am citing by own experience, I used to get irritated by the behaviour of the blue collar employees in my workplace. Totally irresponsible and lazy, having count only on the entitlements they should get. But now I know the history of class struggle - how they were exploited and how they struggled for their rights. So the leverage they enjoy now is part of the changes. This is temporary. Time will come when all inefficiencies pave way to better system. So my anger or irritation has no meaning. 

3. Knowledge stage

Now that you realised that the blame is not with the government, you will try to find out where the real problem is. 
Why the positive measures are not translating to reality? Why there are so many leakages? You find corruption and lack of ethical practices in the system. Why the politicians - power hungry, money minded and corrupt? Why there is no will power in leaders to bring changes? Why the laws to protect the favourites? Why the common at large are in dark? 
Then you realise that there is inherent inequality in the society. There are vested interests and infallible power structures. Now how to have a just and peaceful system? 

There should be knowledge, people should be aware. The information asymmetry should vanish. 

4. Wisdom stage

This phase you will think and try to figure out the complex problems you came to know. You will find that society at large is responsible. Who are these corrupt politicians, inefficient bureaucrats and criminals?  They are part of the society and product of the society. Why we allow them to flourish? In a democracy the ultimate power is with the people. Then why the bad people are getting elected? Why they have huge support base? Why there are over emphasis on wealth and power?

The society is reflected in its rulers and institutions. So what is the role of individual citizen? Get a real look at yourself. You are also not free from the dark sides. You are also greedy, egoistic, stereotypical, dishonest and carries some irrationality within you, which otherwise considered as normal. Why I should blame others when I am also  part and parcel of it?   So finally the blame game ends on you. For a society to change, its individuals have to change, that means you have to change.

5. Detached stage or Active Stage

Once you understood the real picture, there can be two actions - change yourself and teach others or remain neutral. You may withdraw to yourself from all the troubles and try for inner peace, as some of our ancient sages did. Or you can try to bring in as positive changes as possible. It can be an intervention in the system to bring out the changes you need. There comes the revolution. The world from have seen such revolutions such as renaissance, radical revolution, Marxism and the present rights based movements. They all try to deliver a more equal, inclusive and peaceful society. And the process goes on.  

Now try to find out which stage you are in...

To my Love

I owe you my life - my new life
I shall call it.
I was in the cage - you gave wings
I can fly now.
I had dreams - you gave it colours
So they are beautiful.
I wanted to smile - you gave the reason
So it is meaningful.
I was alone - you found me
So we are together.
I wanted a soulmate - for the life
You lend yours.


You taught me how to think
I became rational.
I learnt not to worry about the fate
There is the joy.
When I wanted many things together
You showed the sacrifice
Sometimes my thoughts were blind
You showed the logics.
I vied the big ones - you showed the small
That matters most.
I try not to cry - because those tears
Disturb you most.


You are the greatest asset
In my life
I wonder even now how
It happened
Time can't go very slow
It has been 5 years!

The Pangs of Love

The love is pain
When it is lost.

It rolls down your eyes
as salty water rivulets.

It enters your nostrils
as pricking breath,
which pounds your throat.
And when you swallows,
sores your airways and
thumps your lungs.

You feels the ache 
in your heart 
so heavy and painful
it makes you cry-
out loud like a kid
again and again.

The stomach mumbles
and needs dabbing.

The whole body shivers,
You cuddle to sleep
but with your 
opened eyes staring
at the roof or the 
stars in the sky.

Lost in infinity

Have you ever lost yourself?

Losing oneself? What? how? We can lose our belongings, feelings, relations etc. But how to lose oneself? What does it mean? If you lose yourself then who will be you?

It seems crazy, right? But yes, I have experience; and there are two variants - one consciously and another unconsciously. First I will talk about the conscious self liberation.

Close the eyes and think. Who am I? I am a human in the earth. What is earth? It is a planet in the solar system. What is solar system? It is part of the universe. What is there in the universe? How big it is? Where are its boundaries? Try to find answers... Now the understanding is whatever in this space constitutes the universe. It is expanding. If it expands it should occupy some space. Given that all space itself is universe,from where the new space comes? Is it generating? If yes from where? What was in that space before the universe occupied it? Nothing? How it can be nothing? Is there anything as nothing? What if everything is nothing? No space, no universe, no earth, no life, no human, no I.... The basic existence is questioned. Whether I exists or not? Confusion... I am not able to make out. I as a living being is lost there. If I am not there, who is this?  I do not have the answer. A blanket of ignorance coupled with fear squeezes the thinking. Nothing is in the brain. I lost my thinking also. Now nothing is there as me. I am completely lost. Completely lost means I have absolutely no idea about me - who am I,  where am I, am I alive, which time span is this .... I know nothing. A few seconds...

Then my brain starts working. Sometimes it judges wrong and creates unnecessary tensions. It may tell me that I am dead by now. Oh my God! is my life over? I had a lot to do more. I had many dreams. I had many commitments. I failed to finish my job! Oh no no .... Mean while I regain my consciousness. What a relief!  I am in my place, I have a name, I know who am I, nothing changed.

The second type of hide and seek game occurs unknowingly. When I am woken up from deep sleep. I do not know which phase of sleeping it occurs . Usually we sleep like that when we are very tired particularly after cumbersome journeys and  in day sleeps. A phone call or sound can awake us. Sometimes when I wake up like that, I would have lost myself. I will be blank. I do not know who am I, where am I, what am I doing. The difference is, here I am aware that me as a person exists but the poor soul forgets the world linkages. I have to struggle a bit to regain myself. When I tries to recollect, my brain gives me some options. I have to think and reject or accept. Sometimes I get deceived. It had happened a couple of times.

Once when I woke up, my eyes noticed the lengthy curtains in the room. Suddenly my brain linked it to the room where I stayed in Bangalore while working at Wipro Technologies. Immediately tensions started... what is the time? What day i? Is it Monday? Morning? Am I late? My God! I will miss the bus today also. By the I did not finish my work... I did not find the solution for the problem in coding! Oh No No... The tension puts my brain to the next level. Some thing is fishy... I am not in Bangalore. My eyes observed the surroundings. Its my brother-in-law's home.We reached here today morning for the Deepavali celebration. Oh my silly brain, nothing happened... you simply put me in tension.

This time I was awaken by the phone call. I saw the caller ID picture. I could understand the person. But forgot the relation. Why he is calling me now?What happened? Why so early in the morning? Shall I tell not to disturb? Oh wait... he is your boyfriend now, not just an acquaintance.The next level tensions... Oh my God what about our marriage? What happened in family talks? Has he any thing exciting to tell or any bad news? My heart started thumping.... Hey wait... Something else happened after that. Oh my silly brain, he is my husband, we got married a couple of months back. The tension changed to a smile...

May be the subconscious levels in the brain is playing the game. I do not know the process. But one thing I can tell - forgetting about myself completely is an experience - it cannot be told, but has to be felt.

An Yell in the Night

Time would have been between three and four in the early morning. The city was in deep sleep, so were we. Suddenly an yell form down woke up all of us.

The yell was like somebody loosing his life. Oh my god! Has any body got murdered? Has anybody got electric shock? The scream was of short duration. It was like somebody crying on run. It raised to its high pitch and diffused into the night's silence. But it still ringed in the ears. 

The reverberations generated some uneasy thoughts in me. The temporality  of a human life came haunting. I sensed the plea of a helpless man wailing at the face of the death. Where is all the wealth and fame hard earned or ill earned in the life? Nothing can rescue you from that moment. 

What security do we have in the life? We may build concrete masons, lock it with two three doors, still there is insecurity. Immediately my thoughts went for the less privileged humans living in shanty houses or in the street. What security do they have? If any riot is occurring in the city they are ones who gets butchered. I wondered how they sleep peacefully every night. That may the reason they are very tough and cynic to what the politicians and government tells and do.

The yell can be of a caught thief, got beaten from behind. Poor man. My sympathy went to the thief. If a person is defying his biological cycle and awake in the night to steal, there should be enough reasons behind it. He who was taught this job by parents or masters; or who in dire need of money; or who is disenchanted with the inequality in the society;  or simply person in conflict with himself. None of the above can be solely attributed to him. The society at large is responsible for creating the thieves. Why should a person looting public blatantly sleep in security in this huge bungalow while the victims of the looting sleep bare on the roadsides? Who will punish the wrong doers? Who will bring justice? Let all the looters be robbed by thieves. But only the poor thieves will get beaten in the dark.

The whole neighborhood woke up. Lights are on. Some people are talking loud down. They are narrating the story. It was a robbery attempt. Nobody is harmed. It was the yell of our watchman, who noted the  thief in the shade. The half of my life came back. But the insecurity provoked by that yell did not allow me to sleep. The fear for the life of myself and the loved ones gripped me. And its repercussions took three-four days to quell.

The Missing Women in Public Space

I was at my mother in law's house, in a small village of Telangana. It was past 6 pm. A group of girls come singing bhajans. It was surprising for me because it was first time in my life I have seen a group of small girls going out their home un-escorted after 6 O'clock in the evening. In ,Kerala, my home state, one cannot even imagine this situation. So secluded are their girls in so famed developed state with world standard educational and health indicators. It may be a wonder to the outsiders that the public place is closed even today for a girl or a women here.

The state has succeeded in overthrowing the Brahmin domination, un-touchability etc , but failed liberate and empower its women.

Even though the society is matrilineal, patriarchal norms are dominant. The women is almost excluded from the rituals. In other states the situation is better and for every function or ritual the women are included. They have a role even in the funeral rituals. But here the women are only to cry and stay indoors during the final ceremony. Even the most beloved ones are not allowed to see the cremation ceremony. 

These exclusions were very embarrassing for me as a child when my male cousins were given all the privileges and freedom. And they used to show ego to us on the basis of these undue importance given to them. Similarly in the temple festivals, the ladies are only allowed to perform pongala (the rice dish). But I can see ladies participating in the festivals carrying head gears and pots and divulging themselves in ecstasy and dances in other states.

The professions that a girl has to choose is also dictated by the society. They are seen suited to teaching and care giving professions.  This can be reason for the overwhelming number of the Malayali nurses and teachers working in other parts of India and outside India.

Even when women are venturing into male dominated fields such as politics, there are always considered as subordinate. Kerala have not yet had a woman chief minister or in other crucial ministries of home and finance.

The missing women from the public spaces can be seen as another form of discrimination that is manifested in worst form of missing girl children.

The Wish Tree

This Christmas I was in a super market and came across a wish tree. The unprivileged children in one orphanage have written their small wishes in the pieces of paper hung on that tree. If you are a middle or upper class citizen, you may wonder how small their wishes are. They long for dictionaries, crayons, shuttle bats,  wrist watches, a set of new dresses ... The wishes are so modest to make you humble. These articles cost not even a percent of what you purchase and waste every day. But the same exists only in the dreams of some children and they hope X'mas Pappa to give them as the Christmas gifts. 

I stood there and read all the wishes. Many wishes for a dictionary.I have some old dictionaries in my cupboard. These dictionaries I seldom used because they came late to my life. I had none when I was in dire need. That was some twenty years back.

I was in sixth standard. My class teacher who was also the English teacher asked me to refer a dictionary. I forget the context she asked , but the I still remembers the conversation . 
"I do not have a dictionary, teacher "
She was astonished. There I stood in front of her as a consecutive winner of the proficiency prize for years in English medium. 
"You do not have a dictionary at home ?Wonder!". 
"I wish you shall get a dictionary as prize this year". She said after a pause.
Her sincere wish came true and I got a dictionary as prize that time. My joy was out of bounds. I have envied on my classmates whenever they use a dictionary. So I can imagine the eagerness of these children waiting for their Xmas gifts.

The same was the case with the atlas. I hoped I had one. Once I just went through the classmate's atlas, but she was over protective and did not allow much time. It was costly. So I did not had courage to ask my father to buy me one. The Social Studies teacher of the other division has prescribed an atlas as compulsory in her classes. I wished I had her as my social studies teacher, so that I can also own one. But it never happened.  But now my two and half  year old daughter plays with the dictionary and atlas as her toys!

"Do you wish to gift their wishes, mam?" the voice of the sales woman woke up me from the thoughts. "Ya , I wish". "Okay, you can purchase from here and give us" . "Can I bring from home?" The dictionaries that I got as prizes after my tenth standard were in my mind.